dear diary: a love poem to the lovesick boy that I was and the lovely girl that you were

It's funny how many times I told myself that I love you

Because, when it came to you, that's all I knew how to do

And I was wrong. Not because loving you was bad, but because I stopped putting myself first

And I thought that everything you gave me matched the love I gave you.

I don't blame you for not loving me back, 

I don't blame you for never giving me a chance.

But I do blame you for toying with my feelings,

Whether it was a conscious decision or not.

I blame myself because, even though I'm smart, 

I became dumb when it came to you

I became the pedestal that you needed to have confidence

And didn't understand that I built that for you in expense of my own self esteem.

Now I understand that the only way of letting you go was to stay away

And I'm sorry if that hurt you of made you feel bad.

However, in losing you, I found an important part of myself,

A part I didn't realize had been missing.

My darling, my dear darling, the girl that put some twinkle in my otherwise sad eyes

I lost you but I learned things, things that can cause my gaze to sparkle.

Somehow, I understood that I can be sad and still feel many wonderful things, 

That one one thing does not cancel the other.

So, after many years, I can love the lovesick boy that I was and remember the lovely girl that you were

And hold them both dearly within my thoughts and memories.

I can think about you and talk about you without becoming angry

Without fearing the chance of my unrequited love to come back stronger than ever.

I had to lose you,

because keeping you close would have only meant destroying myself and I couldn't risk that.

Because you might have had many fellas who could pick you the pieces of your broken heart, 

But I couldn't even trust myself to do that for me.

I'll probably love you forever, or at least love the memory of you that lives inside of me,

Because people change and shed their skin and become strangers.

I'll probably love you forever because, in losing you, I learned how to reattach the pieces of a broken heart

And, as much as it hurt, it was a lesson that still helps me move forward every single day.

Love always,

Henry.

currently listening: elaine kim - insane.