dear diary: a love poem to the lovesick boy that I was and the lovely girl that you were

It's funny how many times I told myself that I love you

Because, when it came to you, that's all I knew how to do

And I was wrong. Not because loving you was bad, but because I stopped putting myself first

And I thought that everything you gave me matched the love I gave you.

I don't blame you for not loving me back, 

I don't blame you for never giving me a chance.

But I do blame you for toying with my feelings,

Whether it was a conscious decision or not.

I blame myself because, even though I'm smart, 

I became dumb when it came to you

I became the pedestal that you needed to have confidence

And didn't understand that I built that for you in expense of my own self esteem.

Now I understand that the only way of letting you go was to stay away

And I'm sorry if that hurt you of made you feel bad.

However, in losing you, I found an important part of myself,

A part I didn't realize had been missing.

My darling, my dear darling, the girl that put some twinkle in my otherwise sad eyes

I lost you but I learned things, things that can cause my gaze to sparkle.

Somehow, I understood that I can be sad and still feel many wonderful things, 

That one one thing does not cancel the other.

So, after many years, I can love the lovesick boy that I was and remember the lovely girl that you were

And hold them both dearly within my thoughts and memories.

I can think about you and talk about you without becoming angry

Without fearing the chance of my unrequited love to come back stronger than ever.

I had to lose you,

because keeping you close would have only meant destroying myself and I couldn't risk that.

Because you might have had many fellas who could pick you the pieces of your broken heart, 

But I couldn't even trust myself to do that for me.

I'll probably love you forever, or at least love the memory of you that lives inside of me,

Because people change and shed their skin and become strangers.

I'll probably love you forever because, in losing you, I learned how to reattach the pieces of a broken heart

And, as much as it hurt, it was a lesson that still helps me move forward every single day.

Love always,

Henry.

currently listening: elaine kim - insane.

dear diary: I never thought I'd be struggling with this

I got Covid for the first time back in summer '22 and it wasn't fun, I had the worst time and it sucked even more because I also got "long Covid" affecting my urinary tract (imagine having permanent symptoms of a UTI that flare up from time to time); those two things combined triggered something else: anxiety disorder. It was back then that I realized how scared can I get when it comes to health and how that part of me is one that I really dislike. It's like I have all the right answers in my head but I can't shake off the terror of being sick. 

This past few weeks, my anxiety came back. I never thought I'd be struggling with this again but I got this "medical scare" that has been eating me up and stressing me out. I'm currently at my Mom's house in the US and won't be back to my place in Mexico for 2 more weeks... I did everything I could do here to calm myself but I still haven't been able to sleep properly, I still get "hypnic jerks" and I also feel guilty because I know my mom gets super worried about me. 

And it sucks... this isn't a character trait that I want to keep, you know? I know I'm supposed to be kinder to myself, that I'm supposed to give myself some room to breathe but I get tired and desperate and I just want these anxious feelings to go away, to let me be the best version of myself and to not worry others. Ever since I've started to struggle with a disorder like this, I've become more empathetic to the people who have had it for years and years; it's not their fault and it's out of their control... Sadly, the best we can do is stay positive, breathe and focus on getting better because we have to, for sure, we have to get better.

// Me dio Covid por primera vez en el verano de 2022 y no fue nada divertido, la pasé muy mal y fue aún peor porque también me dio "long Covid", afectando mis vías urinarias (imagínense tener síntomas permanentes de una infección de vías urinarias que surgen o aumentan de vez en cuando); esas dos cosas combinadas desataron algo más: desorden de ansiedad. Fue ahí cuando me di cuenta de qué tan asustado me puedo poner cuando se trata de la salud y cómo ésa es una parte de mí que no me agrada para nada. Yo sé que tengo las respuestas correctas en mi cabeza pero no me puedo quitar el terror de sentirme enfermo.

Estas últimas semanas, me regresó la ansiedad. Nunca pensé que iba a estar lidiando con esto otra vez pero me dio un "susto médico" que me ha estado carcomiendo y estresando. Actualmente estoy en casa de mi mamá en Estados Unidos y no regresaré a mi casa en México hasta dentro de dos semanas... Hice todo lo que puedo hacer aquí para calmarme pero no logro dormir bien, me dan "hypnic jerks" y también me da culpa porque sé que mi mamá se preocupa mucho por mí.

Y es terrible... no es un trato de personalidad que quiero conservar ¿saben? Sé que se supone que debo ser más amable conmigo mismo, que me debo de dar espacio para respirar pero me canso y me desespero y sólo quiero que todos estos sentimientos de ansiedad desaparezcan, para ser la mejor versión de mí mismo y no preocupar a los demás. Desde que empecé a lidiar con un desorden así, me he vuelto más empático con las personas que han sentido esto por años y años; no es su culpa y está fuera de su control... Tristemente, lo mejor que podemos hacer es mantenernos positivos, respirar y concentrarnos en mejorar porque, por supuesto que, vamos a mejorar.

Love always,

Henry.

currently listening: seola - without u.

dear diary: be the kind of person you'd like to meet

For the longest time, I've tried to live under the ideal be the kind of person you'd like to meet, and I think I've been pretty good at it, I can honestly say that, and I also think it happened without me actually noticing it... It was something I wanted, for sure, but it wasn't like a "conscious every day choice" I was making and actively working on, I took it to heart and made it part of my personality.

Thinking about it and putting it into perspective with recent events, it has become a little bit of a bittersweet situation because, yes, I'm happy and proud with how my own personality has turned out... but, it has also made me think about how I don't have a friend like, well, me, and how much I long for one. I know that you can't make people behave the way you want them to, you can't mold your friends but, especially during my most fragile moments, how I wish I could make them care about me as much as I care about them.

// Por muchísimo tiempo he intentado vivir bajo el ideal sé el tipo de persona que te gustaría conocer, y creo que me he vuelto bueno en eso, puedo decirlo con honestidad, y también pienso que sucedió sin que me diera cuenta... Fue algo que quería, por supuesto, pero no fue como una "decisión diaria consciente" que tomaba y trabajaba activamente todos los días, sólo me lo tomé en serio y lo volví parte de mi personalidad.

Pensando en eso y poniéndolo en perspectiva con eventos recientes, se ha convertido en una situación un poquito agridulce porque, sí, estoy feliz y orgulloso de cómo ha resultado mi propia personalidad... pero, también me ha hecho pensar en cómo no tengo un amigo que sea, pues, como yo, y cuánto anhelo tenerlo. Yo sé que no puedes hacer que la gente se comporte como tú quieres, no puedes moldear a tus amigos pero, especialmente durante mis momentos más frágiles, cómo deseo poder hacer que yo les importe tanto como ellos me importan a mí.

Love always,

Henry.

currently listening: ive - off the record.